Letting Go

Testing...testing...is this thing on. Ok, here I go. This is the spot, the place, to be. To learn life's lessons, to set yourself free. Corny rhymes, and cheesy lines and hard words learned. I'm gonna blog it all people...this space, I've earned.

I've been writing since I was seven. Poems, memoir you name it I've written it. Its been an outlet for me over the years to get what was inside--OUT...in 11 weeks I will turn 29...saturn is creepin' up doing his work growing me and shoving that fabulous mirror in my face all the time reminding me who I am, and who I be...living back at home with the two previous generations before me of crazy Greek women...no formal job, and The Man and I just walked our seperate ways after 14 months of almost-sort-of-not-so-much-bliss...

Happiness, and our plight for it, really really hurts sometimes.

It was a crispy Labor day when marina said "You should blog." in Bevin's kitchen in Staten Island. Now Marina, who's been my evil twin sister since I was five has had some pretty great ideas for my life in the past twenty four years...sending me a craigslist posting for bartenders needed in a club on a Greek island that lead to me actually spending the summer of 04' neatly tucked away in the middle of the Agean..lets see what else..well.... that actually may be it but that was good enough for her to get me to listen to her for the rest of my life. So, here I am. A little scared, a little excited, a little "will they really like me..?" And then I had this life altering thought..."It doesn't really matter if they like me." All that matters is that I am honest, and I do what makes me happy. And writing, has always made me happy. So if the truth, even in its ugliest form at times..is your cup of tea, I am indeed the girl for you.

Lessons in happiness. The words crept into my head this weekend. Sort of a title track for the life I'm living right now. Not good or bad, right or wrong. Only "Does it make me happy? Do I WANT this?" Its kinda of a sick joke how we learn what we really want and love by learning all the shit we hate and can do without first. Its like a rite of passage to be incredibly disappointed repeatedly only to have your tears and broken heart steer you in the right path that you never would have found if your feelings were still intact.

I am a better woman for having been with my ex.

(God I hate that pre-fix..ex...but its much easier to type than "former boyfriend". So lets make it clear, there is no negative connotation when I refer to him as "ex" its just shorthand.)

Ending a relationship is hard. It's hard to walk away from someone you love, even when you know that the both of you have come to a point where you are better off seperate than together. When no matter how desperately you both want to make a difference, there is no longer any contribution to be made in the context of a romantic partnership. Hard to pack your bag and hand in your key, and walk away from not just a person, but a life. A life you are saying out loud that you dont want to live anymore. Love, is a great thing, it is capable of overcoming extraordinary things, however, no amount of love, can replace happiness. And until a single human figures out precisely what it is that brings them happiness, it will be impossible for them to find it in a partnership. We could have stayed together..sure...but for what? the sake of staying together. That wasn't are style. We kept it real for 14 months, and going our seperate ways was our way of going out, honestly, in integrity, and with love. It was probably the most mature adult thing we both did in the 14 months we were together. Amazing how that works huh?
I had a fleeting moment in the hours following the break-up, where I felt guilty for leaving him. Felt like I had failed as a woman, as a girlfriend, as a human. I actually thought for split second that I had abandoned him, despite that fact that he didn't protest when I suggested we part ways. And then, it occurred to me, maybe I did him a giant fucking favor. Maybe, most likely, he wanted this, but couldn't let it come out of his mouth..my grasp was so tight he was choking on "Please I love you, now leave me alone...". The peace came after that, knowing that I had given another great human the gift of freedom. I handed his heart back to him with a little something extra that said "Go..go find the life you want, the love you want, the things you need. Go, I will love you always, and never ever regret. I thought the happiness was in the holding on. The staying and sticking it out. I was wrong. The happiness I was missing, was in the letting go. First lesson in happiness, done.