It's Good it Should be That Way

Its like I have a million histories sitting in the crease, where my neck and shoulders meet.

You know, that perfect spot to kiss, yes, that one.

That's where it hurts.

Or at least that is where the pain is, it probably hurts in places I don't even know, I don't know. All this, and I still feel as if there is nothing to write about.

I sat down to write this last night and was pleasantly distracted by a text message that led to about an hour of facebook chatting. "I should be blogging." I said to myself. Two seconds later I remembered my blog was about happiness, and decided "in this moment, this conversation, is making me happy." And threw the "should" out the window.

I've never like that word much, though it is necessary to describe ideal duties that have been proven to be appropriate. You "should" love your mother. You "should" parent your children. You "should" pay taxes. You "should-not" drink and drive. You "should" be happy
It is also a great way to describe universal events that "should" or "should-not" occur. For example, a parent "should-not" bury their child. A father "should" walk his daughter down the isle. You get the picture.

So how do we account for all the ways we think it should be, that just cant be? How do we cope when our circumstances, and the people we love, are not the way we think they "should" be. When your mother unfortunately kicked you out young and you lived in your car or you were homeless, and you just don't have it in you to love her. Or when a man fathers a child, he never even wanted to begin with, and doesn't choose to have anything to do with raising his baby. How about, in the most tragic of circumstances, when a 21 year old daughter falls off the back of a speeding bike and dies, before her parents. How do humans cope when things that shouldn't happen, do?

We say it's wrong. It's unfair. We say it shouldn't be this way, even though, clearly, it is. We get angry, and mourn, and grieve, and we look for someone to blame. We say "My mother never loved me." and "Her father is a piece of shit." We cry "She went before her time, too soon, too young." We speak as if some horrible universal mistake has been made, because we think its easier than finding acceptance for the way that it really is. But the suffering is really in the resistance of it all. The peace lies in the acceptance. Once again it is in the letting go. There is freedom in giving up the way we think it should be, it creates possibilities for us that before, were in our blind-spots.

So maybe life is just a series of should and should-nots, and we get to choose ours. To have and to hold, to love and let go. You should and should not. These days, I prefer to speak on what I want rather than what I think I should want. What makes me happy as oppose to what should make me happy. Giving up the shoulds, and shouldnts allow us to be in the moment in a way that is not possible while we're taking inventory of our happiness and unhappiness. It gives us the space to be with what is, whatever it is, and maybe even say "Its good, it should be that way."