I've been trying to write this for days. Looking for the words to paint the picture of my weekend that still has me smiling and gigling to myself. The truth is I can't describe what happened. All I know is how it felt.
How it felt to be Armenian standing next to other young Armenians with our red, blue and orange flags and our signs saying that we will not settle for bullshit protocols that allow Turkey to continue their lies. How, no matter how hard they try they can not rewrite their bloody history.
No, there are no do-overs for 1.5 million Armenians massacred and there wont be any for you.
How it felt to be a part of something that so many had traveled so far to be present for. Chicago, Philly, Boston, Providence, Florida, Racine, Jersey, and NY, we were all there. How it felt knowing that my Grandfather had literally spent his whole life doing exactly what I was doing, and how I feel like I will never be able to do enough, starting this late in the game. Pride, hope, and a bit of shame, since my face at these things over the years has been a rarity. And I left promising myself that I would do more, though I feel like I have already failed.
And then, there was.....that face...the familiar one. The smart one, the Queens one, the one I saw first, many years ago when it was only 17...
And now it's 25, fresh out of law school, and it felt like no time had passed since I saw him last in 06'. It felt like we were an old school hip hop song being played for the first time in a decade. Like two neighborhood kids being reunited under the trees. It felt like a great fight, like the ones in 02'. It felt like crispy September flattery, with young hands and smart words. Too smart for his own good, and too cute for mine...felt like I could get into a whole lot of trouble....
That's what Saturday felt like.
Sunday felt like the whole world was Abbey Lawn. Felt like the whole world was Washington Heights. Felt like the whole world was a Patchwork of Young Leaders Society. It felt like we were the chosen ones, because on that day, we all chose each other. For 108 sun salutations, we were the ones. It felt like for the first time I had something to show for my great idea. I had bodies ready, willing, and able, to do something they had never done before in the name of peace, simply because they were asked to. The Global Mala for Peace happened all over the world on Sunday, but we, made it happen here, in our world, in our home, in our hood, on our turf, with our hearts.
I was the proudest I have ever been on Sunday. Of myself for organizing something from creation to completion, and for everyone that came, contributed, and trusted me enough.
I have been giddy since I left those kids in the park. Left their smiling faces, their warm sincere thank yous, and the love light in their eyes that can only come from learning something new, and doing something that they understood to be bigger than themselves. New relationships were formed on Sunday. Relationships that will change peoples lives, and make a difference in our community. One day, for all time.
It felt like I came out of myself. Like the me I know is in there is the girl who had this weekend.
My weekend wasn't great because I wore a great outfit. Or because I went out every night to a different place, and not because I partied until 4am.
But because I stood up for something,
many things, I believe in.
Because, I felt like it.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
It's Good it Should be That Way
Its like I have a million histories sitting in the crease, where my neck and shoulders meet.
You know, that perfect spot to kiss, yes, that one.
That's where it hurts.
Or at least that is where the pain is, it probably hurts in places I don't even know, I don't know. All this, and I still feel as if there is nothing to write about.
I sat down to write this last night and was pleasantly distracted by a text message that led to about an hour of facebook chatting. "I should be blogging." I said to myself. Two seconds later I remembered my blog was about happiness, and decided "in this moment, this conversation, is making me happy." And threw the "should" out the window.
I've never like that word much, though it is necessary to describe ideal duties that have been proven to be appropriate. You "should" love your mother. You "should" parent your children. You "should" pay taxes. You "should-not" drink and drive. You "should" be happy
It is also a great way to describe universal events that "should" or "should-not" occur. For example, a parent "should-not" bury their child. A father "should" walk his daughter down the isle. You get the picture.
So how do we account for all the ways we think it should be, that just cant be? How do we cope when our circumstances, and the people we love, are not the way we think they "should" be. When your mother unfortunately kicked you out young and you lived in your car or you were homeless, and you just don't have it in you to love her. Or when a man fathers a child, he never even wanted to begin with, and doesn't choose to have anything to do with raising his baby. How about, in the most tragic of circumstances, when a 21 year old daughter falls off the back of a speeding bike and dies, before her parents. How do humans cope when things that shouldn't happen, do?
We say it's wrong. It's unfair. We say it shouldn't be this way, even though, clearly, it is. We get angry, and mourn, and grieve, and we look for someone to blame. We say "My mother never loved me." and "Her father is a piece of shit." We cry "She went before her time, too soon, too young." We speak as if some horrible universal mistake has been made, because we think its easier than finding acceptance for the way that it really is. But the suffering is really in the resistance of it all. The peace lies in the acceptance. Once again it is in the letting go. There is freedom in giving up the way we think it should be, it creates possibilities for us that before, were in our blind-spots.
So maybe life is just a series of should and should-nots, and we get to choose ours. To have and to hold, to love and let go. You should and should not. These days, I prefer to speak on what I want rather than what I think I should want. What makes me happy as oppose to what should make me happy. Giving up the shoulds, and shouldnts allow us to be in the moment in a way that is not possible while we're taking inventory of our happiness and unhappiness. It gives us the space to be with what is, whatever it is, and maybe even say "Its good, it should be that way."
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Yoga before coffee turned out to be a good thing.
I woke up at 9:15 am. "Shit..class in 45 minutes."
I have not practiced since the week following my break up when I did 3 hours of yoga with a half hour meditation in between, in one day. My neck is tight, my shoulders are high, and one of my favorite teachers has been in town for a few short days and this was my last chance to practice with her for maybe forever. Unless of course I find myself in Vero Beach, Florida one day soon. Shelley Adelle was my manager once upon a time at my beloved yoga studio in Hell's Kitchen. She became my friend one Saturday morning about two years ago when I lost the keys to the studio and could not open the door. I called her frantic at 6 am and left a message pleading for help and forgiveness. She returned my call with both.
Later that day, at the studio, when doors were opened, and yogis were on their mats, she enlightened me on a subject that has become a favorite of mine. The astrological phenomenon called the Saturn Return. I had expressed to her that I was feeling like I was losing my mind (along with the studio keys) and couldn't get a handle on anything. I felt like I was headed for a nervous breakdown (I actually did wind up having one of those at a later date.) After telling her my age she replied with a very casual "Oh! its your Saturn!" I've been studying astrology since I was 12, and this I had never heard of. Saturn is the planet of lessons, karma, and father figure. It also happens to be the slowest moving planet. It takes Saturn 29 years to fully orbit one time. Which means that the year you turn 29, Saturn is back in the zodiac position it was in when you were born, since you were born. And depending on what sign it was in, there is a specific area of life that Saturn is returning to teach you about. Now, I was 27 and a little under two years away from my actual Saturn Return, but when I started reading about the subject I found that one can feel the affects of the return as early as 26, lasting past the 30th birthday. I have become well versed in the subject of Saturn since Shelley's first mentioning of it. I know what to expect of it, how to deal with it, and how NOT to piss this planet off. I am currently awaiting Saturn to return to my sign of Libra on October 29 of this year. And I owe the existence of this conversation in my life all to Shelley.
But I got something else out of my cosmic conversation with Shelley. Our relationship was no longer only about clients and Karmi* stuff, it was about my life, my heart, and my sanity. I jumped at the chance to talk to Shelley when we were at the studio together, about whatever was going on in my life at the moment, a new great guy (the ex), quitting my stuffy desk job, a new poem, a bad fight with the new great guy (I think we know who this is now yes?) Until she left New York in the Spring of 09'. Needless to say, I was bummed when Shelley left, but I was also completely inspired, and totally happy for her. I knew that she would one day return to visit. And the day had come..
And here I was lazy, laying in my bed 45 minutes before the start of her last class in NY for God knew how long. I tossed and turned. Told myself, you don't have to go, she will totally forgive you. But dragging my ass out of my bed had nothing to do with Shelley. I knew that if I didn't go, I would be the one missing out. Up I went, out the door, no time for coffee.
On my way there I thought about how my life had changed from the way it was the last time I saw her. I reminisced over the lessons I have learned, the battles I have fought, won, and lost. The growing I have done. My relationship with that great guy, that I use to seek her advice about had since come to an end, I had completed the same teacher training certification program she had done years ago at our studio, and somehow, someway I had become an adult, just like her.
I had new skin walking into her class today, and I was proud of the life I am living. I cried many tears to Shelley, and she wiped them all away always. "Keep doing yoga." she would say. This glorious woman only two years my senior, that somehow always seemed to know so much more about me than I did. It was great to be with her as always, but what was even better, was to be with myself, in her presence.
After class, I walked across the street to the market and got myself the coffee I had done without first thing in the morning... It never tasted so good.
Karmi*-one who is of service to a yoga studio/community.
I woke up at 9:15 am. "Shit..class in 45 minutes."
I have not practiced since the week following my break up when I did 3 hours of yoga with a half hour meditation in between, in one day. My neck is tight, my shoulders are high, and one of my favorite teachers has been in town for a few short days and this was my last chance to practice with her for maybe forever. Unless of course I find myself in Vero Beach, Florida one day soon. Shelley Adelle was my manager once upon a time at my beloved yoga studio in Hell's Kitchen. She became my friend one Saturday morning about two years ago when I lost the keys to the studio and could not open the door. I called her frantic at 6 am and left a message pleading for help and forgiveness. She returned my call with both.
Later that day, at the studio, when doors were opened, and yogis were on their mats, she enlightened me on a subject that has become a favorite of mine. The astrological phenomenon called the Saturn Return. I had expressed to her that I was feeling like I was losing my mind (along with the studio keys) and couldn't get a handle on anything. I felt like I was headed for a nervous breakdown (I actually did wind up having one of those at a later date.) After telling her my age she replied with a very casual "Oh! its your Saturn!" I've been studying astrology since I was 12, and this I had never heard of. Saturn is the planet of lessons, karma, and father figure. It also happens to be the slowest moving planet. It takes Saturn 29 years to fully orbit one time. Which means that the year you turn 29, Saturn is back in the zodiac position it was in when you were born, since you were born. And depending on what sign it was in, there is a specific area of life that Saturn is returning to teach you about. Now, I was 27 and a little under two years away from my actual Saturn Return, but when I started reading about the subject I found that one can feel the affects of the return as early as 26, lasting past the 30th birthday. I have become well versed in the subject of Saturn since Shelley's first mentioning of it. I know what to expect of it, how to deal with it, and how NOT to piss this planet off. I am currently awaiting Saturn to return to my sign of Libra on October 29 of this year. And I owe the existence of this conversation in my life all to Shelley.
But I got something else out of my cosmic conversation with Shelley. Our relationship was no longer only about clients and Karmi* stuff, it was about my life, my heart, and my sanity. I jumped at the chance to talk to Shelley when we were at the studio together, about whatever was going on in my life at the moment, a new great guy (the ex), quitting my stuffy desk job, a new poem, a bad fight with the new great guy (I think we know who this is now yes?) Until she left New York in the Spring of 09'. Needless to say, I was bummed when Shelley left, but I was also completely inspired, and totally happy for her. I knew that she would one day return to visit. And the day had come..
And here I was lazy, laying in my bed 45 minutes before the start of her last class in NY for God knew how long. I tossed and turned. Told myself, you don't have to go, she will totally forgive you. But dragging my ass out of my bed had nothing to do with Shelley. I knew that if I didn't go, I would be the one missing out. Up I went, out the door, no time for coffee.
On my way there I thought about how my life had changed from the way it was the last time I saw her. I reminisced over the lessons I have learned, the battles I have fought, won, and lost. The growing I have done. My relationship with that great guy, that I use to seek her advice about had since come to an end, I had completed the same teacher training certification program she had done years ago at our studio, and somehow, someway I had become an adult, just like her.
I had new skin walking into her class today, and I was proud of the life I am living. I cried many tears to Shelley, and she wiped them all away always. "Keep doing yoga." she would say. This glorious woman only two years my senior, that somehow always seemed to know so much more about me than I did. It was great to be with her as always, but what was even better, was to be with myself, in her presence.
After class, I walked across the street to the market and got myself the coffee I had done without first thing in the morning... It never tasted so good.
Karmi*-one who is of service to a yoga studio/community.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Letting Go
Testing...testing...is this thing on. Ok, here I go. This is the spot, the place, to be. To learn life's lessons, to set yourself free. Corny rhymes, and cheesy lines and hard words learned. I'm gonna blog it all people...this space, I've earned.
I've been writing since I was seven. Poems, memoir you name it I've written it. Its been an outlet for me over the years to get what was inside--OUT...in 11 weeks I will turn 29...saturn is creepin' up doing his work growing me and shoving that fabulous mirror in my face all the time reminding me who I am, and who I be...living back at home with the two previous generations before me of crazy Greek women...no formal job, and The Man and I just walked our seperate ways after 14 months of almost-sort-of-not-so-much-bliss...
Happiness, and our plight for it, really really hurts sometimes.
It was a crispy Labor day when marina said "You should blog." in Bevin's kitchen in Staten Island. Now Marina, who's been my evil twin sister since I was five has had some pretty great ideas for my life in the past twenty four years...sending me a craigslist posting for bartenders needed in a club on a Greek island that lead to me actually spending the summer of 04' neatly tucked away in the middle of the Agean..lets see what else..well.... that actually may be it but that was good enough for her to get me to listen to her for the rest of my life. So, here I am. A little scared, a little excited, a little "will they really like me..?" And then I had this life altering thought..."It doesn't really matter if they like me." All that matters is that I am honest, and I do what makes me happy. And writing, has always made me happy. So if the truth, even in its ugliest form at times..is your cup of tea, I am indeed the girl for you.
Lessons in happiness. The words crept into my head this weekend. Sort of a title track for the life I'm living right now. Not good or bad, right or wrong. Only "Does it make me happy? Do I WANT this?" Its kinda of a sick joke how we learn what we really want and love by learning all the shit we hate and can do without first. Its like a rite of passage to be incredibly disappointed repeatedly only to have your tears and broken heart steer you in the right path that you never would have found if your feelings were still intact.
I am a better woman for having been with my ex.
(God I hate that pre-fix..ex...but its much easier to type than "former boyfriend". So lets make it clear, there is no negative connotation when I refer to him as "ex" its just shorthand.)
Ending a relationship is hard. It's hard to walk away from someone you love, even when you know that the both of you have come to a point where you are better off seperate than together. When no matter how desperately you both want to make a difference, there is no longer any contribution to be made in the context of a romantic partnership. Hard to pack your bag and hand in your key, and walk away from not just a person, but a life. A life you are saying out loud that you dont want to live anymore. Love, is a great thing, it is capable of overcoming extraordinary things, however, no amount of love, can replace happiness. And until a single human figures out precisely what it is that brings them happiness, it will be impossible for them to find it in a partnership. We could have stayed together..sure...but for what? the sake of staying together. That wasn't are style. We kept it real for 14 months, and going our seperate ways was our way of going out, honestly, in integrity, and with love. It was probably the most mature adult thing we both did in the 14 months we were together. Amazing how that works huh?
I had a fleeting moment in the hours following the break-up, where I felt guilty for leaving him. Felt like I had failed as a woman, as a girlfriend, as a human. I actually thought for split second that I had abandoned him, despite that fact that he didn't protest when I suggested we part ways. And then, it occurred to me, maybe I did him a giant fucking favor. Maybe, most likely, he wanted this, but couldn't let it come out of his mouth..my grasp was so tight he was choking on "Please I love you, now leave me alone...". The peace came after that, knowing that I had given another great human the gift of freedom. I handed his heart back to him with a little something extra that said "Go..go find the life you want, the love you want, the things you need. Go, I will love you always, and never ever regret. I thought the happiness was in the holding on. The staying and sticking it out. I was wrong. The happiness I was missing, was in the letting go. First lesson in happiness, done.
I've been writing since I was seven. Poems, memoir you name it I've written it. Its been an outlet for me over the years to get what was inside--OUT...in 11 weeks I will turn 29...saturn is creepin' up doing his work growing me and shoving that fabulous mirror in my face all the time reminding me who I am, and who I be...living back at home with the two previous generations before me of crazy Greek women...no formal job, and The Man and I just walked our seperate ways after 14 months of almost-sort-of-not-so-much-bliss...
Happiness, and our plight for it, really really hurts sometimes.
It was a crispy Labor day when marina said "You should blog." in Bevin's kitchen in Staten Island. Now Marina, who's been my evil twin sister since I was five has had some pretty great ideas for my life in the past twenty four years...sending me a craigslist posting for bartenders needed in a club on a Greek island that lead to me actually spending the summer of 04' neatly tucked away in the middle of the Agean..lets see what else..well.... that actually may be it but that was good enough for her to get me to listen to her for the rest of my life. So, here I am. A little scared, a little excited, a little "will they really like me..?" And then I had this life altering thought..."It doesn't really matter if they like me." All that matters is that I am honest, and I do what makes me happy. And writing, has always made me happy. So if the truth, even in its ugliest form at times..is your cup of tea, I am indeed the girl for you.
Lessons in happiness. The words crept into my head this weekend. Sort of a title track for the life I'm living right now. Not good or bad, right or wrong. Only "Does it make me happy? Do I WANT this?" Its kinda of a sick joke how we learn what we really want and love by learning all the shit we hate and can do without first. Its like a rite of passage to be incredibly disappointed repeatedly only to have your tears and broken heart steer you in the right path that you never would have found if your feelings were still intact.
I am a better woman for having been with my ex.
(God I hate that pre-fix..ex...but its much easier to type than "former boyfriend". So lets make it clear, there is no negative connotation when I refer to him as "ex" its just shorthand.)
Ending a relationship is hard. It's hard to walk away from someone you love, even when you know that the both of you have come to a point where you are better off seperate than together. When no matter how desperately you both want to make a difference, there is no longer any contribution to be made in the context of a romantic partnership. Hard to pack your bag and hand in your key, and walk away from not just a person, but a life. A life you are saying out loud that you dont want to live anymore. Love, is a great thing, it is capable of overcoming extraordinary things, however, no amount of love, can replace happiness. And until a single human figures out precisely what it is that brings them happiness, it will be impossible for them to find it in a partnership. We could have stayed together..sure...but for what? the sake of staying together. That wasn't are style. We kept it real for 14 months, and going our seperate ways was our way of going out, honestly, in integrity, and with love. It was probably the most mature adult thing we both did in the 14 months we were together. Amazing how that works huh?
I had a fleeting moment in the hours following the break-up, where I felt guilty for leaving him. Felt like I had failed as a woman, as a girlfriend, as a human. I actually thought for split second that I had abandoned him, despite that fact that he didn't protest when I suggested we part ways. And then, it occurred to me, maybe I did him a giant fucking favor. Maybe, most likely, he wanted this, but couldn't let it come out of his mouth..my grasp was so tight he was choking on "Please I love you, now leave me alone...". The peace came after that, knowing that I had given another great human the gift of freedom. I handed his heart back to him with a little something extra that said "Go..go find the life you want, the love you want, the things you need. Go, I will love you always, and never ever regret. I thought the happiness was in the holding on. The staying and sticking it out. I was wrong. The happiness I was missing, was in the letting go. First lesson in happiness, done.
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